The other day a good friend suggested to me that my public persona of late has been largely focused on coffee, clothes, exercise and the beach. I’m sure they didn’t mean it as a criticism - or at most, it was a very gentle and lovingly meant one --  but frankly I was a bit horrified. I mean, I know that I talk about all of those things a lot, but they are only shiny diversions and not the substance of my inner life. So I thought I’d stop and write about what else is going on beneath the social media surface lately. 

Mostly, for anyone who didn’t know, I’ve been applying for jobs here in San Diego, and dealing with the ongoing emotional challenge of not yet having one. This is the first time I’ve ever gotten to the start of a school year when I was job-hunting without receiving an offer. It’s been pretty hard to take. I suppose I’ve led a charmed life in this regard until now, and I expected this time to be the same. And yes -- I’ve also applied to teach at both UCSD’s undergraduate programs and the community colleges (LOL, good luck competing against all the unemployed English PhDs!), run the homework program at the public library, work as an assistant grant writer for the local YMCA, and everything else I can think of that I might be qualified for -- with the obvious exception of tutoring, for which I’m waiting until the school year starts and I know that I’m definitely, absolutely not getting that call for a teaching position. No, I don’t have a California teaching credential and it’s not exactly going to be a breeze to acquire, so I haven’t made the jump for getting one yet. I’m not sure I could handle teaching public school even if I did. The truth is, I’m spoiled and lazy from a career in private schools -- or as another good friend put it more kindly a few days ago, I want to do work that is intellectually interesting and rewarding in an environment where I have respect and autonomy. But at the moment, I have no work waiting for me at all, and every day is a renewed mental battle to remind myself that that is not a referendum on my worth as a teacher or person.

Filling out my time when I’m not looking for jobs or taking care of the kids, I’ve been trying to write. So far, I’ve only managed a few short stories (no, you can’t read them) but it is a start. And of course I try to take at least one good picture every time I go running, and as often as possible when I’m out and about, even though  I can’t make any claims to being a photographer since it’s only my little iPhone. I'm continuing to work on getting over a nearly lifelong inferiority complex about my taste in music. I’m also pushing myself to finish _Lolita_ this week (it has taken seemingly all summer!) as part of a larger project to read all the books that I have on my shelves but haven’t gotten around to yet. And I’m keeping up with as much of the news as I can stand -- which is less than before the move; I rather think that my employment situation is adding to my total stress to the point that I can handle very little about our awful, seemingly unstoppable double slide into autocratic and environmental catastrophes.  

One thing I have not done so far is make any new friends. I’m sure it will happen eventually. In the meantime, that’s why I spend so much time on social media, posting pictures of my latest #morningrun, iced coffee, or visit to the beach.


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